3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
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Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it