@NeighborGrumpy

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

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@JoshontheGo

I’m at my most “penguin”, when I’m walking to get more toilet paper with my shorts around my ankles.

@DougExeter

she had an itsy bitsy teeny weeny shared belief with mussolini

@huntigula

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

@tastefactory

My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.

@SlabBaconBP

When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it

@DanMentos

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

@aka_fatman

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!

@FrogAvalanche

[Jesus plays hide-n-seek]

Jesus: [exiting cave] Ah, ya found me! Let’s play again. Harder this time. Find me now.

[He ascends to Heaven]