3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
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Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
my dad has had enough
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.