3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
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Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.