@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

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@Nofstnme

Unfortunately….. Nobody wants to have sex with your inner beauty.

@boring_as_heck

Oh, I can’t check my disobedient child with the rest of my luggage? You’re saying I have to carry-on my wayward son?

@Mr_Kapowski

Apparently people running at the airport are trying to catch a flight & TSA does not need me to intervene and stop an international criminal

@MelvinofYork

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

@pinupteacher

My boss is basically Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Deceitful, selfish, conniving, wears too much make up, is an octopus.

@smerobin

I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.

@ShutUpThatsWho

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

@AminaMarx

update: the light went out in my fridge so i had to eat everything so it wouldn’t get scared

@Sad_tree

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job