@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

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@SteveKoehler22

Ladies :

Who’s the man who, with
just the slightest touch-

gives you chills and makes
you tremble with anticipation ?

Your dentist.

@Super_Cynthia

I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN

@SaltyCorpse

Toilet paper folded into a triangle in a hotel does nothing for me except remind me that someone touched the tp I need to use.

@AllanForsyth

“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”

– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.

@Skoog

god: awful nice planet you got there

earth: thanks

god: it’d be a shame if someone…

earth: please don’t

god: created humanity

@shariv67

Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.