@NewDadNotes: God: you’re very small. Ant: ok. God: but really strong. Ant: how strong? God: you can- Ant: can I lift a piano? God: well-no. Ant: can I lift a car? God: no. Ant: can I lift a- God: you can lift a leaf. Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

@House_Feminist: Imagine having a baby that didn't photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.

@Marlebean: If you asked me to bring a dish to your party, just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

@joejwest: [creepy mansion] ME: That portrait is watching us MAN: No way ME: [goes right up to portrait] I'm vegan PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes] ME: I knew it

@iwearaonesie: the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions