[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
You Might Also Like
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd