Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
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was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
an octopus is just a wet spider