Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
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You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…