3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
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Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
We avoided this particular disaster
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.