[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
God has left this place
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper