3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
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why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”