“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Roses are red, you always mattered,
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Namaste
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?