“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.