[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit

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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal


“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.


[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on


Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos


[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now


WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings

WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped

WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death

ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together


*texts with friends*

Friend: hey

Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?

Friend: I sent that 8 months ago


Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.


skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up