Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
*texts with friends*
Me: sorry I was busy what’s up?
Friend: I sent that 8 months ago
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up