3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
listen closely
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks