3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

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Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape

Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…

Me: Snacks?


I exercise religiously.

Which means I go running dressed as the Pope.


If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it


The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.


me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?




The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. Im not taking any chances.

*locks doors*


YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button

Hulk: way ahead of you bud


My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.


Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?