@GirlsNoteBook

3% human
97% stress

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@DaveTheAlbino

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

@_Tempo11

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

@ronnui_

Why do auto repair shops always seem so annoyed that you’re bringing your car in? Like I’m sorry I also don’t like that my engine sounds like bees when I go above 30, I’m on your side.

@AnnaDoesntWant2

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

@Cornjerker78

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

@AllanForsyth

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

@brianbowman73

Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.

@daddydoubts

Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.

@ClichedOut

LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel

@MarioInAZ

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.