3% human
97% stress

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I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”


Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.


Why do auto repair shops always seem so annoyed that you’re bringing your car in? Like I’m sorry I also don’t like that my engine sounds like bees when I go above 30, I’m on your side.


My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.


[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.


“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.


Sorry I said your cat was ugly.

Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.


Cop: why’d you do it?

Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.

Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?

Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.


LIBRARIAN: yes over there

ME: do u have any books on time travel


My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.