3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
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On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Note to self: always read the final line
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist