3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.