@jollyrobber

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

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@superherofbmx

As an alcoholic I learned that if the light in the bathroom comes on automatically, you’re probably peeing in the fridge.

@inanimatecorpse

Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife

@GrantTanaka

astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them

@ShortSleeveSuit

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

@MelvinofYork

At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@TheToddWilliams

FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are

@TuckerFly1

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.