The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
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Parent 1: That’s my kid on the slide.
Parent 2: That’s mine on the swing.
Me: The one spray painting “Slayer” on that baby is mine.
I like how my autocorrect changes “hun” to “Hun,” like I’m playfully referring to my girlfriends as barbarous 4th-century European nomads.
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
My crush said he made his phone keys sticky thinking of me so I dumped him. I’m disgusted.
What kind of loser still has keys on his phone?
I’m not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat’s hair grows back.
Just saw a really hot woman in 9inch heels pay for a plasma tv with ones.. I could be wrong but i think she might be a librarian.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss