3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

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As an alcoholic I learned that if the light in the bathroom comes on automatically, you’re probably peeing in the fridge.


Wife: I said any fantasy, I wore the police uniform! Isn’t that enough?

Me: Say the words

Wife: Ok… sir, I have bad news about your wife


astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them



The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.


At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.


Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.


It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.


FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are


Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.