3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.