3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
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*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Did my cat write this
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Every damn time
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to