@pinupteacher

3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.

Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.

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@thenoahkinsey

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

@CruisinSoozan

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

@theshantilly

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

@soyourelikethat

Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me

@erica_rosie

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

@T_Bonezzz_

[Movie: Romance]

Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!

Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…

Him: K… forget it…

@AnkCoupleTO

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

@buhsbaby_baby

Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.

@Sophie2078

Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors

@sixfootcandy

Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?