Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.
Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Him: So what are you into?
Me: *thinking of the newspaper cutouts of Justin Trudeau all over my bedroom walls and ceiling* Politics.
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Him: Why are you late?
Me: I was at church.
Him: I find that hard to believe.
Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?