You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
“I wouldn’t.”
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
fourth time’s the charm
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.