I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
3 men asked me out while I was shoveling out my car.
Lesson learned: showering and makeup are optional as long you’re grunting.
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i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos
Officer: Get in my car it’s faster
Omds not this shit again wtf
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?