(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
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I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
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Me: Same
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.