@Smooheed

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

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@Browtweaten

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

@DrakeGatsby

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

@ShawtySouth

<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.

@Bownuggets

Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now

@jus4golf

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

@LizzieEMB

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

@kiiimdaaa

My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.

@novixv

Judge: I sentence you to 10 years
Defendant: Well I sentence YOU to 20 years
Lawyer: That’s not how that..
Judge: [being cuffed] DAMN YOU

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@ThaJawn

Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes