3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
You Might Also Like
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣