3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
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So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle