3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
You Might Also Like
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
This kid is a star!
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.