@SnarkyMommy78

3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything

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@Woody_B_

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

@Sarcasticsapien

Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.

@TheHyyyype

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

@GamerPres2020

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

@KentWGraham

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

@turboescortdude

3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

@UncleDuke1969

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.