3 only answers to the name Ana (from Frozen) and before that she’d only answer to Sophia (from Sophia the First) and before that it was Peppa and it’s totally cool cause it’s not like it took my husband and I nine excruciating months to agree on a name or anything

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I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.


There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.


The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.


Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok


Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”


My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.


waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks


[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff


I have a strict policy against dating coworkers… Well, not so much a policy as a loosely enforced suggestion, at the request of my lawyer.