This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
let’s discuss
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Pretty much. 🤣
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.