@pinkmoon_33

3 out of 4 voices in my head want to sleep. The other wants to know if penguins have knees.

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@Phook75

I’m actually not sure if the Wife decorated the tree really well or she just created the best Lady Gaga outfit in history

@iwearaonesie

Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up

@AndrewNadeau0

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

@dshack8

Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.

@Chumpstring

My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.

@gruffybeard

Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

@aveuaskew

It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.

I’m fine by the way.

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.