@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

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@jwoodham

Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.

@RidiculousSheri

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

@SnarkyMommy78

Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.

@SteveSuckington

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

@Thee1_4U

Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.

@OrangeFact

Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life

@mastrap84

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool