Instead of pulling people over for texting, the police should be out there pulling people over for not texting me back.
3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.
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Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Hey, if anyone needs help raising their kids, come talk to me. I’ve been one for 30 some years now.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool