@lilgapeach30

3 rules for having good teeth: brush and floss twice a day, see your dentist twice a year, and keep your nose out of other peoples business.

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@DraggingFeeties

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

@RunOldMan

My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.

@KeetPotato

cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”

@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to subway how can i-‘

ME:*punches counter*WHY DOES THE KOOL-AID MAN CARRY A SMALLER PITCHER OF KOOL-AID

‘sir-‘

M: IS IT HIS PISS

@_mcgoof

Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”

@Donna_McCoy

No thanks Black Friday crowds.

I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.

@3sunzzz

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.