WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
FRIEND: Women like when you’re honest with them.
[later on date]
HER: So tell me about yourself.
ME: *leans in close* I didn’t bring any money.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.
“I know what you look like naked” – me to my girlfriends identical twin sister, every single time I see her.
What we study in class vs. what’s on the exam paper
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.