3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
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[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’