friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
You Might Also Like
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Damn what did I do next
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂