@Cryonius

3 things that makes me stress:

• hot days
• annoying people
• stand close to annoying people in hot days

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@Parkerlawyer

I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.

Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”

@Marlebean

Me: 5, 4, 3..

Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”

Me: 2, 1, 0

Kid 1 {Scream crying}

Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”

Friend: “Oh.”

@TheDreamGhoul

saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I feel like Valentine’s Day was invented by a guy who had way too many chocolate covered strawberries.

@TheBeerGuy73

The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.

@WheelTod

Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.

@ariscott

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?