*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
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BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.