3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
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Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Favourite diary entry ever
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Forever 21… pounds overweight
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
This raises questions
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.