3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
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“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.