3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.