3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
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The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives