4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
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1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
If women had written the Bible, snoring would be considered a deviant behavior and/or manifestation of evil.
Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.