@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
3:

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

@slimmy_shady

1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”

@blaha_Who

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

@o__0Dev

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

@goldengateblond

I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.

@Hobo_Splendido

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

@Crazy_ButCute2

“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”

Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here

@RachelNoise

If women had written the Bible, snoring would be considered a deviant behavior and/or manifestation of evil.

@MichaelAlliman

Cat 1: Are the humans asleep?
Cat 2: It appears so.
Cat 1: I shall now sing the anthem of my people.