@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

You Might Also Like

@T_Bonezzz_

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??

@LibyaLiberty

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

@iAmDelFreaky

I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.

Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.

@FuckabillyRex

My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they’d help me and I guess at least I won’t have any ticks this summer.

@AndrewNadeau0

No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.

@desi_princess

Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.

@lexclem

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@TheToddWilliams

[Lab]

MONSTER: What is my name?

“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”

MONSTER: But that is your name

“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”