@urmumsausername

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

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@ROSEandDAYFIELD

The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.

@GrabTheWEness

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

@SoNotThePoint_

I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.

@Cheeseboy22

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

@LostFelicia

Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.

My husband knows this now.

@sarcasm_inc

Men used to slay dragons, and here I am shuffling around like a penguin with my pants around my ankles looking for extra toilet paper.

@jonnysun

4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history

@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

@cravin4

If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.