Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Most fashion shows these days…
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume