3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
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[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
58.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing