3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
There sure are a lot of hot Canadian chicks on Twitter….if I knew Canadian, I would totally hit on them.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
Re-reading Wuthering Heights is a great reminder that 150 years ago, if you, say, sprained an ankle at a neighbor’s house, you just lived there for five weeks until it healed.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?