[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
[me as a computer scientist] *pouring a computer into a test tube*
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.