@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

You Might Also Like

@TheChrisAngel

By tomorrow night America will be in a turkey induced coma.

On Friday…Canada attacks.

@Jack_Wagon1

Ironic… is having a coke machine reject your dollar bill for it being rolled up to many times.

@kwirkyKerri

Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.

@Kyle_Lippert

Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@JayMindX

“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”

-Humans

@plumbur

If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.