3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
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Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Not recommended for beginners.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.