@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

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@heatherlou_

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

@Shade510

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

@Mardigroan

How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”

@markedly

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

@traciebreaux

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

@tone765

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

@Ristolable

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”