@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*

Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*

3: THAT WAS MINE!

You Might Also Like

@dadopotamus

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.

@TheIronSherk

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

@2014longview

If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you should carry a glove too. Your lawyer will thank you.

@ObviousOstrich

If every person in the world held hands around the equator a significant portion of them would drown.

@crunchenhanced

Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.

@GrowlyGrego

Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.