The day my mother learned how to use emojis was the day I realized how good we had it with rotary phones
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
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vampire: let me bite you
vampire: it will be fun
me: *running away*
vampire: wait, stop! my fangs magically change color when I sip through them!
me: *noticeably slowing down*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything