@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

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@AndrewChamings

sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks

@brynnester

Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?

Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead

@emmatheist

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

@ericsshadow

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

@rolldiggity

Whenever I see a whirlpool, I scream, “Help! That tornado can’t swim!”

@Iowkeybrook

netflix originals are great until you binge watch the whole season in one day and then have to wait a whole decade for the next season

@XplodingUnicorn

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

@zachreinert03

My friend said a baby crying is the best form of birth control but there was a baby bawling next door all night & my girlfriend got pregnant

@Pork_Chop_Hair

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.