3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You Might Also Like
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
My neck my back my allergy attack
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.