Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Contigo131

Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.

@thokone

When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?

@Dawn_M_

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

@slimmy_shady

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

@truegritrumble

WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.

@brodyrhamilton

me: truth or dare

government: truth

me: are birds real

government: dare

@gothtitty

i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo

@AlsBoy

Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either

@Marlebean

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

@DanMentos

uh oh