Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
me: truth or dare
me: are birds real
i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo
Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.