3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
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imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.