3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

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Welcome to 45…when you can pinch a nerve by uncrossing your legs and blinking at the same time.


When a fish is swimming alone, does it mean it’s bunking school?


[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?


If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?


WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.


i wish i was a cow eating grass in a field. no rent. no job. no college. just moo


Guys, don’t let this headphones thing mislead you, women that aren’t wearing them probably don’t want to talk to you either


Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.