They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
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NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!