WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion
You Might Also Like
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Me: OMG I’m so tired.
Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips.
Me: I’m on it.
A: And Cheetos.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
HE’S SUPER FRIENDLY I yell as my big black dog runs full speed toward a group of screaming toddlers
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?