3 y/o: I want a bagel
Me: We don’t have any
3 y/o: You’re a idiot
Me: How did you survive your abortion

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Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.


If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.


[first day as midwife]

Dr: take a look at this cervix

Me: does it matter if I haven’t seen cer I to VIII?


They laughed at me when I bought Velcro sneakers but no one will be laughing when the great shoelace drought of 2044 comes


I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.


Fred: let’s settle this once and for all!
*fred rips my face away revealing bloody skull*
Velma: he wasn’t wearing a mask!
Fred: I know.


Her: I’m a model.

Him: Oh cool, what agency?

Her: No, I’m an Instagram model.

Him: Ah ok. I used to be a sniper.

Her: Oh what, in the army?

Him: No, Call of Duty.


[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”


Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.