[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”
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You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
*leans out office door*
Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.
*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*
“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are