30 And to his followers he said, “Beliebers, weep not for me but yourselves and your children; for they’ll never get to see me in concert.”

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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]

“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”


You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.


Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.


*leans out office door*

Susan, hold all my calls. I have a very important lunch.

*goes to desk and makes animal crackers fight each other*


“So where are you from?”
– I’m a Liberian
“Oh sorry *whispers* where are you from?”


My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain


[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are