30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!


(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home


Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic


My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.


I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.


Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.


Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.


robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful


Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!


[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.