@Miz_Mental_Case

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

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@chrisdowning

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

@fusedude

If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.

@tarashoe

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

@bigmacher

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.

@sonictyrant

[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me

@GrantTanaka

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

@kelkulus

It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”