30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

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Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.


If someone makes you want to murder them, don’t hesitate to do it. That moment you wait is the difference between 1st and 2nd degree murder.


i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup


When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.


I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.


[first guy to play an accordion]
i bet i could use this to get sharon to divorce me


Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”


It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”