@Miz_Mental_Case

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

You Might Also Like

@AndrewNadeau0

FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!

@johnbiehl

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

@whosnutstoo

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic

@TheCiscoKidder

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

@LittleMissAngr1

I’m confident, but not ‘say hors d’oeuvres aloud at a fancy restaurant’ confident.

@Purple_whipped

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

@bylinetd

Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.

But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.

@PRlNCEREMUS

robert pattinson has absolutely no regard for the things he says on tv and i think thats beautiful

@Desert_Musings

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

@egg_dog

[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.