I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
You Might Also Like
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME