30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.

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Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.


If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.


4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower


Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.


Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.


Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.

Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”


When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.


I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.


Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?


Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.