@portmanteauface

30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.

40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.

You Might Also Like

@TheMichaelRock

Cinderella taught girls that it’s ok if a guy has no idea what you look like as long as he’s a prince.

@tweeterreader36

If you catch me doing a selfie at work, at least offer to take the pic for me.

@pro_worrier_

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

@OMGShenanigans

Today’s interpretive dance was brought to you by “Spider On My Shirt”.

Up next we have “Oh jeeze, where did it go?!”

@vikkaroni

When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.

@dmc1138

I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.

@ThugRaccoons

Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?

Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?

@MdUNH

Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino.