[Riding a saddled turtle]
BATTLE TORTOISE, GOOOO!!
[turtle just goes normal speed for turtles]
30: nice tv in front of the treadmill. Good way to pass the time while I’m getting in shape.
40: nice tv in the bedroom. Treadmill for sale, lightly used.
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I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Therapist: You need to focus on setting healthy boundaries.
*puts broccoli around perimeter of donut box*
*eats 12 donuts*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My greatest fear is that I’ll be reported as a missing person and my family guesstimates my weight way higher than what I actually weigh