30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.